i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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