Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
