i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
please come you make the beer taste better
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
