went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
