There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
