dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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