I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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