the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
