My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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