I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
