It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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