Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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