I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
