i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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