Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
