Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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