When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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