Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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