I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
