I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
