just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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