Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
