I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
