I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
