Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Please don't give away my fajitas
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
