Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
