I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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