Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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