apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
