You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I have aggressive nipples.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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