Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
