I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
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