I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We are all done wearing pants today
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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