I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
