I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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