im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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