allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
No stitches, just platelets and will power
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
