I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
