Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
