I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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