You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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