just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
