Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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