I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I think my moral compass just broke
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
