i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize