About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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