the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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