So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
