I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
