so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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