Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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