There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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