No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
as a side note pls kill me
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
