So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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