We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
