I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
